With the children grown and out of the house, many seniors plan to pursue the rewards of retirement. However, sometimes the "Golden Years" may be tarnished by unexpected challenges. Do any of these sound familiar?
- I worry about my adult children and their families. I'd like some expert advice.
- We're seniors, ourselves, and yet, we're caring for a parent and grandchildren.
- My partner and I want to actively enjoy our lives together, but we're not communicating.
- I lost my partner a few years ago. Now I'd like to socialize more, maybe even date, but it has been a long time since I went out without my partner.
- I knew growing older would, at times, be difficult, but I didn't expect to outlive so many family members and friends. I feel very lonely.
Aging Wisely
Aging gracefully is not exactly easy. You try to maintain a positive attitude, but sometimes, painful memories, diminished physical and/or mental capacity can be a source of frustration, aggravation or even despair. Just as it's important to maintain a sense of self-determination in your life, it's also important to clarify what can be changed and what needs to be accepted.
Your adult children and their families are important, and their lives can trouble you, and sometimes they are unable to accept guidance. I think one of the most important lessons you can teach your children is to demonstrate through your own actions how a life can be well-lived. You demonstrate how to cope with personal trials each day you manage to live with purpose and acceptance.
Shouldering too much responsibility for a dependent parent and/or constant care for your grandchildren can become emotionally and financially taxing. You may, at times, require support and help from others because care-taking, without respite, has been shown to be one of the most stressful experiences in later life.
Open and honest communication is an integral part of every healthy relationship. If, over the years, you have developed habits of internalizing emotions and sweeping things under the rug, you may now find it awkward to speak your mind and share your feelings with those most dear to you. I encourage you to make every effort to let others know how you feel. If you can find a bit of humor in life's quirky twists of fate and cultivate an ability to appreciate your own imperfections, life's struggles can be put into a more healthy perspective.
As you take stock of your life, remembering the challenges that you have met, the fears that you have conquered and the hardships you have overcome will boost your self-confidence. Try sharing your memories with others in an effort to connect with those who may have similar experiences or interests. Make an attempt to meet new people, and enjoy letting them get to know you. A new relationship can spring from a simple conversation.
When the going gets tough as a result of a particularly painful loss, an estrangement from a family member or a life-threatening or debilitating illness, the normal response is an intense sense of loss and grief. Sometimes, talking with friends and/or family can ease the pain. Other times, you may need to draw on different resources. If life has lost the spark and the hope it should hold for you, then professional guidance may help you to understand your feelings and to renew your sense of purpose and well-being.
Personal Thoughts
My grandmother lived to be 101. She was independent and productive until her final moments. My parents lived until their late 80's. I participated in their care, and I watched my mother's reaction to the loss of her lifetime love and partner of 62 years.
Over the years, I've learned from my elderly patients and from my own experience how life challenges and rewards us. Toward the end of life, we develop a unique perspective as we look back on accomplishments, disappointments and times of great joy. It is most important that we review our lives and understand who we are, where we've been and what work is left to be done. In doing so, we can find the strength and composure necessary to cope with further challenges and, ultimately, our own mortality.